quiet interlude

Be more quiet now and wait for a voice....

intensity

I am prone to having intense feelings. I am passionate, i am hyper, and my emotional spectrum is always vast and deep.

My heart doesn't feel kinda happy, or kinda sad. Instead my emotions fill me up. They dictate my feelings, decisions and motivations. And when certain emotions set in its hard to focus on anything else.

Lately the emotions that i have been feeling most intensely are loneliness, anxiety, sadness.

These are the hardest of emotions to get over.

I feel lonely when i am once again by myself on a friday night

Lonely when i am constantly around a happy couple who have each other

Lonely when no one seems to notice

Lonely when all i want to do is to scream "Please love me! Please be my friend! Please fix this make me feel wanted! Give me attention! Please hang out with me!"

I hate that i feel this way, that i can get so stuck in this pattern of being lonely, being sad. but the irony is that when i feel this way all i want to really do is be alone. You would think that i could go hang out with people and that would solve it. You would think that knowing that i have more than a hand full of friends who would be there for me no matter what, would leave me feeling so full that i would never feel this way. But no, i will still struggle with being lonely, i will still feel like no one cares, i will still feel like i will never be fully loved.

And i know that I am fully loved because I have Jesus as my Saviour, but for right now that just sounds corny, and right now all i want is to be held. All i want is to be unconditionally loved by someone who i can look in the eyes, someone i can grab onto and just cry.

I wish i could end this on a positive note. But i don't think i can tonight.

One disclaimer: i am not hoping that this note causes a nice little pity party for Rachel.

I mostly write these things to process, to think how can i change this, what should i do with these feelings and how to i deal with them rightly....

85% of things i say relate to Haiti

I feel weird sometimes, because about 85% of the things i say are about Haiti. I will see a pickup truck and miss being in the back of one in Haiti with 17 other people driving through a river. I will see a baby, and miss the children that would shout "you, you you, give me one dolla!"

I drink out of my nalgene and expect warm water, and thats ok.

I think when people ask me about Haiti and i say i miss it and i want to go back they think i am a bit crazy. Why would i want to go back to a country that smells like burning trash, that is so awfully hot, that has no cold water, and a place that the majority of meals consist of rice and beans which i dislike greatly?

Because in Haiti you can really see God working, both in the people and the country, but also in yourself.

It is a cool thing to see yourself working harder than you have ever worked and sweating more than you thought possible but not letting that get to you. It is great to come together as a team and just bond being completely present in one place and one situation.

I do miss Haiti, i miss my team, i do want to go back.

The post Haiti blog

2 days ago i returned from a 11 day adventure in the beautiful country of Haiti. This experience was the first of its kind in my life. And i miss it terribly. I must admit that while in Haiti i was quite homesick, but I thank God that he choose me as one of the 14 people who got to love on the people of Haiti.

I am going to try my best to share my stories with you, here it goes:

Sunday June 6th: We set off for Haiti. I was quite nervous for many reasons: the plane ride, the unknown aspects of the trip, and everything in between. I remember being exhausted but also excited. We set down in Haiti around 5 pm, which is 6 pm here. The airport was pretty crazy, just a big room with lots of people. We had find our bags, and then head out into a large crowd of people where we were picked up by the Mission of Hope. This was our first experience of the Haitian culture. One thing in Haiti that is way different then here in America is that cars have the right away, not pedestrians. So you have to be very careful when crossing the street or you will be smushed. We were picked up in a bus and took a 2 hour trip to Grande Goave. We got to Mission of Hope around 8:30, and had Haitian dinner waiting for us. Thankfully after dinner was bedtime.

Journal excerpt of the day: "I am thinking, 'Am i truly ready?, Can i do this?' But i know the answer to both of those questions is yes. So Lord i ask you to overcome my own insecurities, my tiredness, my lack of confidence and enthusiasm. Let me serve your people wholeheartedly. "

Picture: Outside the Port Au Prince Airport

Monday June 7th: First day of work. Some of the team went to start working on the houses, Sarah, Steph and I stayed at the orphanage. This was amazing just getting to love on the kids was great. The language barrier was a hard hurdle to get over but a lot of times you didn't need words. A smile and a hug does the trick. We found out that the kids loved playing hot hands or slaps. Its the game where you try to slap each others hands. They would hold out their hands and that was your signal to play. They never got tired of this game. One of the cuter moments of the game was the kids would point somewhere and say something that sounded like "Godzilla" and that was their ploy to get you to look away so they could slap your hands. It was very funny. I was so glad to just love on the kids on Monday. Especially my favorite little one Fefe. Her smile was priceless, i would have taken her home with me if i could. After we were done working we went back to the beach. That night we experienced our first worship time as a group. It was amazing. I think worshiping under the stars is one of the best things.

Journal excerpt of the day: "No matter where we are, we can come together as a community of believers and worship our amazing creator."

Picture: Fefe and I

Tuesday June 8th: Second day of work. This time we all went to go build houses. I was not especially thrilled about this job assignment, since i am not skilled in the area of construction. But i was willing to try. This was a bit of a rough day, because we were working on the house with another team from Adventures in Mission, and we hadn't quite meshed yet. It was a small challenge to learn how to work together. The houses we built were provided by Samaritans Purse. They were 12x12 houses with a wood frame, and tin roofs. We then had to stretch a tarp around the whole house and pull it tight. We then hammered down the tarp on the top, bottom and sides of the house. It was hard work to say the least. Tuesday night was also our first taste of Haitian church. This was amazing! Most of it was in Creole, including the songs. But one song we did know. It was "How Great is our God" by Chris Tomlin. It was an amazing thing to hear it being sung in English and Creole. And just knowing that God was up their smiling down on His people while they worshiped Him.

Picture: working on tarpping the houses.

Wednesday, June 9th: This was a hard day for me. I was feeling like i wasn't doing my part because i wasn't doing too well with the construction aspect of things. I wrote in my journal that i felt like i was just checking off the days till i got to go home. This was really hard, because i just wanted to work hard in Haiti but felt like i wasn't getting the chance to.

Thursday, June 10th: This day marked the end of a year of my pursuit of singleness. It was a weird thing to experience this anniversary in Haiti. There will be another post about this at a later date. I believe on this day we decided that in order to make everyone feel like they were helping with the houses we would split into two teams. This worked out great because each team began to see how we could use each persons skills. I felt like i was finally learning how to build

these houses and i was finally helping out.

Saturday, June 12th: Today was our day off. And Lex and Renee decided to take us to the beach in Jacamel. So we all piled into the back of a dump truck and started the two hour drive up the mountain to the beach. This was rough, because i get car sick, and going up a curvy mountain road is not good for car sickness. Despite the nausea the view going up the mountain was beautiful. God's creation is astounding. After 2 hours in the truck we arrived at the beach. Here we ate at this shack on the beach. It was a crazy experience. The 'waiters' brought us plates of seemingly indistinguishable food, that we didn't even order. I felt like i was on an episode of Bizarre Foods. The first dish was fried conch and plantains. Yes, i tried both. The conch was very spicy and the plantains were surprisingly bland but good. The next dish wa

s a huge lobster. This was quite funny. The final dish was a fish of some sort. After dinner we played in the ocean and the waves. Then it was back in the truck to head back to Grande Goave. On the way back Lex and Renee surprised us with ice cream, which was a great treat.

Picture: Lobster

Sunday, June 13th; We had church in the morning. Once again it was all in Creole, but it was still a great morning. It was cool to realize that even tough i don't understand a word of Creole God does. And this church service gave him as much joy as any other service. And he understood every single word said and sung that morning.

Monday, June 14; Back to work. This was probably the most productive day. We tarped 7 houses that day. And the teams were working great together. Despite our productiveness, i started to feel worn down on this day. I guess this point was inevitable. Waking up everyday at 5:15 and working in the hot sun will do that to you. But I spent some time with God and just asked him to keep me going. I knew he would.

Tuesday, June 15th; Today was the birthday party for the kids! Since most of the kids don't know their birthday we thought this would be a great thing for them. This was so much fun and very rewarding. That morning Olivia and I went to the office to bake the cakes. This was a nice break from building houses and i definitely felt like my skills were being used. After baking the cakes the whole team went to the beach and started to decorate. We used streamers, balloons, and we made a banner that said Happy Birthday in French and English. Then the kids came. We had 36 kids join us at the beach that day. They spent the afternoon coloring, swimming, swinging, making tambourines, eating lunch, eating cake, and just playing with us. It was so amazing. At the end of the party we gave each child a goody bag that included a waterbottle, some candy, sunglasses, a glowstick and a noise maker. It was so cool seeing the kids opening up their bags. And then going crazy over the contents. Especially the noise makers!

Picture: The kids coloring!

Wednesday; June 15: Last full day in Haiti. This last day of work was good. We got about 5 houses done that day. Which is great. I think by the end of our 2 weeks we finished about 35 houses. That night was just a night of relaxing and packing up. It was cool to just sit and reflect on the week. I retreated to the hammock for a bit and was just still before God. And for those of you who know me well know that it is hard for me to be still. But it was a great time to just sit and be thankful. And just reflect on how much work God did in my life. I loved just sitting underneath the shade of the mango trees, hearing the ocean, and just really experiencing God in creation.

Thursday; June 16th; Heading home. I was very thankful for this day. As much as i was going to miss Haiti, my heart was ready to go home. We woke up at 4:30 that morning with the plan at leaving at 6am for Port Au Prince. But in Haiti time doesn't really matter. We ended up leaving at 7:30am. It was a two hour drive to Port from Grand Goave. We arrived at the airport and got on our plane with out a hitch. We landed in Miami and had a 5 hour layover there. Then we flew to Detroit. We finally got back to Akron at 4:30 am Friday morning. We were beat. But very thankful for the trip.

So that was the day by day version of Haiti. I am so thankful to everyone who supported me on this trip. Your prayers and finical support is greatly appreciated. Haiti taught me a lot of things. It taught me that i can do a lot more then i thought i could. It taught me that God is present and that he will provide. It taught me to be more patient. It taught me how to work hard despite outside issues. It also taught me how to be thankful. We are so blessed! Some of the blessing i received in Haiti: an amazing bond of community with my team, a sense of purpose, the chance to show God's love to people who need it most, a new more adventurous spirit, and a closeness to God. God is working in Haiti, and I am so glad i got to play a part in His plan for that country.

Please pray for Haiti, God is doing great things there. Also please keep the five members of our team who are still working in Haiti. They will be there for another 2 weeks.

Thank you once again for your support! If you want to hear more about Haiti i would love to tell you! If you want to see more pics from the trip follow the links!!!

Haiti Photo Album # 1

Haiti Photo Album # 2

Standing on the edge

10 and a half hours away till I get into the van, and i start on an adventure to Haiti with 13 other amazing people...i am not often at a loss for words...but at this point i am.

I am standing at the edge of something totally new and unexpected...but i am not afraid. I know that God loves me. I know He is standing up there saying "Rachel, you got this, i put you here, i guided your path, and i still will. You are my child."

This morning something amazing happened, i got a forwarded email from my mother, it was a prayer request that she sent out to my family, now my family is a Christian family, but we never really talk about our faith. But to know that my parents are praying for me, and that they believe in the power of prayer brought me to tears. I am crying now as i write this. My parents are amazing and their support, while not always expressed in this adventure has been amazing.

So this is my last post until i return. I know that if you are reading this you are praying for me too, and i thank you so much for that.

See you when i get back (:

T minus 5 days

In five days the adventure commences

In five days i will be leaving akron, driving to detroit, getting on a plane and flying to Haiti. I will be leaving for the country for the first time ever.

People have been asking me how i am doing and if i am excited, so here is a blog to answer the question of how i am doing. This is also a blog to answer my own questions about how i am feeling.

I am feeling:

Anxious: This is all new, a new adventure, a new country, a new culture. I have no idea what to expect and for me that is hard. But God says "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life" Philippians 4: 6-7

Unprepared: I am feeling like I can't do this, like i will fail. There is a voice in my head saying "Rachel this is to hard, this will push you to far, you will break. You can't do this." This is a hard one to get over. Because i know this trip will push me, i know it will be hard. But I know this is what i am called to do. I know that God put this fire and desire in my heart. And He will be there to sustain me.

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am" Philippians 4:13

Scared: I am scared of flying, scared of big crowds, scared of new situations, scared of the unknown. All of this and more i will face while in Haiti. ⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Excited: I am excited. Excited to spend the week doing God's will. Excited to spend the week with 14 amazing people and get to know them on a deep level. Excited to see what God will do in my life and the lives of others.

Content: I know that this is what i am supposed to be doing. I know that God will be there. I know this.

" I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29: 10b-11

Please pray. Pray that the negative emotions are taken away. And that I trust completely in God. That He is my fire during the trip and that i lean on Him for my provision.

Thanks

You say

"Rachel Noel, I love you so much, i hate when you believe the horrid lies that say you are anything less then beautiful. I made you. You are my masterpiece. Nothing you could do could make me love you more or less. You beauty is enthralling to me. Forget the world, listen to me."

I hope that i remember these sweet words. The words of my Savior that remind me that nothing else matters. That all i need to do is to listen to Him. To run to him, to have Him remind me of my worth, my beauty, and my completeness in him.

Psalms 45:10-11

Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say.
Forget your people and your family far away.
For your royal husband delights in your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.

Life moment # 5

Small Group Trip to New York City

April 2010

We are heading back to Akron, Ohio. We are in one of the infamous 12 person chapel vans, these vans are known for provided tons of memories, on tons of different trips. This time would prove no different. Ben is trying to sleep, but failing because everyone is talking, so he starts to ask serious questions. I then say, "ok ben, tell me your story"That sets off a whirlwind of vulnerability and openness by the entire small group. It was incredible! Words cannot describe how proud i am of the people in my small group and how they were willing to get deep and show their brokenness, their messiness. When we had all told our stories, Peter asks if i have a song on my ipod, the song is "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United. We turn that on, and what happend was true genuine worship, i was blown away.

Isn't it obvious?

Galatians 5:19-23

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

*****

I found this passage about a year ago and was reminded of it recently. How much of the first list do we find ourselves in? I know that most of the things describe my life when i am not focused on God. Most of those things can be used to describe my heart and actions.

When i first found this verse it was just the first part, the part that described a life with out God, a life lived our own way. When i read it i cried. I was so convicted, those horrible things were things that consumed my life. After i cried and went to God, embarrassed by my stupid self and the crap that i held onto, i found the second part of the passage.

God takes every single piece of crap in our lives and replaces them with things that bring him joy. He gives us love for others, peace and contentment, joy in all situations.

But in order to get any of these amazing gifts we have to stop trying to run the show, we have to let God consume us and let go of our stupid affections for the bad things in life.

Really the stuff we hold onto and that comes out of our selfishness are of no worth when compared to the gifts of God.

Relax

RainyMood.com

pretty much the best thing ever...i will never listen to music the same way again...

Song suggestions for rainymood:

Hello I'm in Delaware-City and Colour

Come and Listen- David Crowder Band

A time for Yohe- Between the Trees

Such Great Heights- Iron and Wine

The Unwinding Cable Car-Anberlin

FORT!

I have a strong desire to build a fort..

So of course being bored out of my mind i look up just how to do it online...

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Blanket-Fort

Yepp, there is a website...and let me tell you it was very helpful (:

Update the list #2

D1.

Make Rainbow Cupcakes

You are my sunshine

The sun came back!

The weather is finally starting to warm up and spring fever is settling in! Yesterday was spent outside enjoying the sun.

I cannot wait for the warm days of summer. Days spent hiking, driving with the windows down and the music up.

Ahh that is perfection!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbkv5xOLvnA

^^^^^^

Just one of the many summer songs that was played while driving! (:

Update the list

Summer 2010 addition to the list:

C1. Watch Swiss Family Robinson

Life moment #4

April 2009:

The weekend weather had been beautiful, high 80's, sunshine, blue skies. Quite unusual for Ohio. I had spent the weekend out side enjoying God's creation. Jeramy, Laura, and I had just finished a long day of hiking and we were driving to Chick-fil-a. Then windows were down, the radio was up and it was perfect. Then Jeramy gets a phone call and we roll the windows up so he can hear. My car, which does not have air conditioning, starts to heat up, fast. And soon we are sweltering. Jeramy is still on the phone clearly trying to end the convo but the person on the line just keeps talking. Me and laura are sweating to death in the front....Finally Jeramy hangs up the phone we all scream and roll down the windows and let the fresh air in. Till this day this memory makes me laugh. Good times with great friends.

Summer sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those summer nights

Summer 2010 to do list:

A. Go mud sliding (rainy day, big hill, lots of friends)

B. Have a movie marathon day

C. Go putt putting

D. Get semi good at a sport

E. Road trip with friends

F. Go hiking at least once a week this summer

G. Create a giant slip-n-slide

H. Host a Bible Study

I. Go late night swimming

J. Have as many bonfires as possible

K. Go on a picnic and take a real picnic basket

L. Commit to doing an extended period of God time at least once a month

M. Tan on my roof

N. Do something artistic (ie. paint, write a song, take sweet photography)

O. Go to a local fair

P. Sleep outside

Q. Lay on a trampoline and look at the stars

R. Wake up to watch the sunrise (preferably on lake erie)

S. Go to Canada

T. Go camping

U. Play in the rain

V. Go to Country Diner at 2am

W. Stay up all night doing stupid stuff

X. Go visit Becca at camp

Y. Go to the drive in

Z. Go tubing

A1. Make a pie and cool it on the pie window

B1. Sailing

AND A TON MORE!

The lies they tell us

Lies:

You are too fat

Your not pretty enough

You have be thiner

You have to fit into this size

You need to look like her

You need to wear make-up/do your hair

Nobody will like you if you look like that

You are not worthy of love because of your body

These are things that i hear and think everyday. Almost every girl, women, and female person deals with these lies or ones like them on a daily basis. Some girls are crushed by these lies, some push through, some just deal.

I try to put on a smile, everyday when i wake up i go to the mirror and think...Am i going to feel pretty today? It is a rare occasion when the answer to that question is yes...but when it is, my smile is real and i feel like i can do anything.

I know this is deep stuff but i don't think i am alone in this struggle. Girls deal with this everyday. And it starts young. For me it started when i was 12... 9 years dealing with the ever present lies.

So how do we silence them? How do we silence the hissing lies that tells us we are not worthy?

The first step is to go to the one who silences the lies with His love.

Jesus loves each of us, and his eyes we are beauty beyond compare. He sees us as perfect, beautiful, with out fault. Everyday we must ask him for the help to listen to these truths, and that He will silence the lies we hear.

The second step is encourage one another and love on each other by expressing truth.

Ladies, this works in two ways. One stop saying the lies out loud, stop saying "I am fat, look at me i look like crap, i will never have a boyfriend...etc" If we tell ourselves those lies it will be harder to get rid of them. Two encourage your sisters! Tell them every chance you get that you think they are lovely, and shine a light on their good qualities.

Guys, i am not sure how many of you are reading this but if you are i just gave you a glimpse into the inner workings of a female mind. Don't abuse this privilege. Use this info to speak truth to your sisters in Christ. Encourage them! Tell them about their beauty in Christ. And by all means do not further the lies. But pray they are silenced!

Jesus will and does silence the lies with His love! You are his creation and you are beautiful no matter what.

This is your life

This idea is completely stolen and not my own...thanks taylor (;

My life is insane....I have been on this earth for 21 years. What makes up these years? What sticks out? Here are three of my most important life memories:

#1

Tuscarora Winter Weekend- I can't remember what year this was...i want to say 2006? Its Sunday night. We are sitting in the auditorium and had just heard the speaker give his message, and they begin to show this video. It is a simple video just a song being played with words running across the screen. The song "Arms of Love" by Kutless. The words that were on the screen escape my mind but I remember reading them and breaking down. I remember the message of the words was saying something to the extent if you feel unloved, or unwanted God is there for you. At this moment in life this shook me to the core. I was bailing, crying my heart out, feeling so alone. This moment was the beginning of a very hard year for me, the year of pain and loneliness. But throughout that year I learned that God was there for me...which brings me to moment 2.

#2

August 2006. Four teenagers invade my world. Four amazing people that brought me out of a downward spiral. I had gone to some hardware store with this group to buy paint and one of the girls, Adrienne, comes up to me and says "I think we are gonna be good friends" Never have such truer words had been spoken. Those two weeks that i spent with my four new friends where the best two weeks of my teenage years. These friends helped me to see that i was loved, wanted and appreciated. They replaced all the lies that i have been told with their love! I will never forget that first moment.

#3

September 2008. First Campus Focus Trip ever. Woodfest. Saturday night. Jen Vrooman had just given her testimony and i was trying to hold back tears as i walked to the dinning hall, to sort out my thoughts. Clearly i must have looked pathetic because, this random girl came up to me and said "Would you like to talk?" I was embarrassed to say yes but i did. This girl didn't know my name or story. But she sat and listened to my story. My failures, my problems. I had never had someone do this with me. A stranger had never cared this much. I remembering introducing myself after the cry fest, but i couldn't remember the girls name. Then a few weeks later she walks into my small group. I am shocked. This girl who had given me a chance and a shoulder to cry on was Laura. My sister throughout my college years.

I am sure there are many more significant memories. These stick out at the moment...

What is your life look like? What moments make you who you are?

I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch

Look at this picture. Really look at it.

I know you have seen it before.

But look closely at the hands of God and man.

Look at God's hand...strong, steady, reaching out with passion

Look at the hand of man...limp, relaxed, outstretched with half-hearted intentions.

This picture has been shown at Campus Focus for the past 2 weeks. And it astounds me how much symbolism is in it.

God is passionately reaching out to us. He wants us to grab on to his strong hand of forgiveness and grace and never look back.

But what do we do....we say ok but we commit with only a half-hearted try. We instead hold back and think we can do it on our own.

We are so stupid....we just need to grab onto the hand that is reaching out.