My heart doesn't feel kinda happy, or kinda sad. Instead my emotions fill me up. They dictate my feelings, decisions and motivations. And when certain emotions set in its hard to focus on anything else.
Lately the emotions that i have been feeling most intensely are loneliness, anxiety, sadness.
These are the hardest of emotions to get over.
I feel lonely when i am once again by myself on a friday night
Lonely when i am constantly around a happy couple who have each other
Lonely when no one seems to notice
Lonely when all i want to do is to scream "Please love me! Please be my friend! Please fix this make me feel wanted! Give me attention! Please hang out with me!"
I hate that i feel this way, that i can get so stuck in this pattern of being lonely, being sad. but the irony is that when i feel this way all i want to really do is be alone. You would think that i could go hang out with people and that would solve it. You would think that knowing that i have more than a hand full of friends who would be there for me no matter what, would leave me feeling so full that i would never feel this way. But no, i will still struggle with being lonely, i will still feel like no one cares, i will still feel like i will never be fully loved.
And i know that I am fully loved because I have Jesus as my Saviour, but for right now that just sounds corny, and right now all i want is to be held. All i want is to be unconditionally loved by someone who i can look in the eyes, someone i can grab onto and just cry.
I wish i could end this on a positive note. But i don't think i can tonight.
One disclaimer: i am not hoping that this note causes a nice little pity party for Rachel.
I mostly write these things to process, to think how can i change this, what should i do with these feelings and how to i deal with them rightly....
