I can't escape my past

I was a annoying teenager to say the least, i was loud, hyper, and generally disliked by alot of people including my youth group

I know that is horrible to say but i often felt like i was slowly being excommunicated from them. It hurt because i loved my youth group but that love was never returned

This wound that they left me with has recently been reopened

my church recently employed a new youth leader, and i am so happy for the current youth group, this youth leader is a great person who has a ton of energy and is a perfect fit

I think i have a good relantionship with this person but recent events make me think differently

God has put it on my heart to work with junior highers so i have been trying to make myself available to the new youth leader as a volunteer, i let her know that if she ever needs me to help i will do my best to be there, yes i am in college and that keeps me pretty busy but when i am home i want to help and even if i am not i will drive up there if needed.

But my offer to help hasn't been accepted. I don;t understand why not so my mind goes back to those days of my teenage self and it tells me "oh she doesn;t want your help because you are annoying, you are over eager, you are not mature enough to help out" I don't know if this stuff is true but it is a constant tought

One oppertunity that doesn;t seem like it will become a reality is being a tuscarora counselor

Tuscarora is one of the greatest retreat that i have ever been on, so many great memories stem from the past 8 years that i have gone there and i would love to be a part of that for as long as i can, but this year i don;t think they want me to go. And i would understand if they didnt need me because of lack of kids or lack of funds, but i have this fear that they just don't want me to go

This fear is reenforced because i have sent a number of emails, letter and i have even asked the youth leaders in person if they need me, and they always skirt the question and change the subject.

it make me feel like that unwanted teenager, the one who hated herself and couldn't understand the peoples actions around her